her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
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Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.