The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
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Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone