Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
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Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.