<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
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Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.