It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I came this close!!!!
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.