Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Hank is one in a melon.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks