Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*3.5 thank you very much.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.