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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿