bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
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Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
shut up and take my money
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Dear Lord..
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula