Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
You Might Also Like
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
*pronounces woah like Noah*
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
me and the Superbowl rn