what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My god she’s good.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*