adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
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Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
$4 #usedbooks
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.