I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.