devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
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*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*