When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
We like the way Dwight thinks
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?