I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
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I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH