Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
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I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I put the p in pants.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.