The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
New menu item
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Wait a minute
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.