Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
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If you had more money you’d be happier.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.