Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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i think my razor is having a panic attack
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
happy mother’s day❤️
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.