a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
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Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here