Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
*frowns in Scottish*
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.