[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
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Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
WTF IS THAT!