Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…