God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Every work meeting this week
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Yeah. This was me today.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.