They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
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“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers