Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My time has come.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*