Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
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4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
This kid is going places
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”