A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Incredible customer service.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn