“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
You Might Also Like
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.