Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
You Might Also Like
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”