“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Me trying to “trust the process”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?