JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Not all heroes wear capes…
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.