Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
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Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
can you read it!!??
maan!
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.