Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target