You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
You Might Also Like
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am