Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
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SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.