tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
You Might Also Like
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I love wikipedia
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?