“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Hot Hot Hot
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!