Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
taking June’s advice to heart
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.