99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now