waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
so weird how every mom was born today
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent