Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
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dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something