2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
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Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer