If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
BaD BoY!!
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.