Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
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“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX