Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
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I thought this was funny lol
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6