You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Proofread twice, hang posters once
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
you have three unread messages
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.