*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
You Might Also Like
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]