Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
You Might Also Like
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
When can I start eating bats again.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.